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Humiliation and control

Threats, humiliation, intense monitoring, and using control to make you feel bad, are all examples of emotional abuse. If someone around you makes you feel this way or if you are experiencing any of these examples, you are likely in an abusive relationship. People who abuse others often try to excuse it by blaming the other person or make excuses like being under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or stress. Remember, it is never your fault if someone abuses you!

Violence in intimate relationships often follows the same behavioural pattern known as the cycle of violence. First, tension builds up; then at some point the tension is released in the form of physical or emotional abuse; and then the third phase follows, called the “honeymoon phase,” where the abusive person is full of regret. Then the cycle continues.

The repercussions of emotional abuse can run deeper than physical abuse. Emotional abuse leaves invisible wounds that are often difficult to grasp.

It's emotional abuse when someone:

  • Pays no regard to how you feel.
  • Creates an oppressive home or working environment.
  • Yells at or threatens you or others in your home.
  • Lies and manipulates or misleads you.
  • Constantly criticizes you, your family or friends.
  • Attempts to control you with sulking and silence.
  • Tells you how and what to do.
  • Becomes angry for little or no reason.
  • Calls you belittling names.
  • Harasses you via phone or in person.
  • Restrains you in any way from seeing your family or friends.

It is always best to talk to someone about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. If you want assistance, contact these abuse support centres: Bjarkarhlíð in Reykjavík or Bjarmahlíð in Akureyri. It doesn‘t matter how long it has been since the abuse occurred. Additionally, everyone, both adults or children, can talk to someone at 1717 (Red Cross helpline).

Shantaye‘s story

Shantaye was in an abusive relationship with her husband for eight months. He didn’t want her to have any friends or meet anyone without him. It escalated into pushing and physical abuse as well as financial and sexual abuse.

Jenný‘s story

Jenný shares her experience from an abusive relationship that she was in for 13 years. Her spouse abused both her and her children through control and threats. She left him when she simply could not take any more. Today she is free.

Do you recognize abuse?

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Linh

Linh is a thirty year old woman from Vietnam. She and Jón are married and have two children at preschool age. She found it hard to move alone from her home country five years ago and knows few people in this country. She doesn’t speak English but has become quite good in Icelandic.

Jón was good about watching that she wouldn’t get bored but after Jón lost his job he started drinking more and his mood became heavier. It seems like it doesn’t matter what Linh does, Jón finds faults with it. One time when Linh is on her way out to meet other moms from the preschool Jón stands threatening in her way in the doorway and doesn’t allow her to get out.

Is this abuse?

Available resources

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Bjarkarhlíð

Bjarkarhlíð is a center for people who have experienced abuse. There you get all the support and counseling you need in one place. All assistance is on your terms.

Bjarmahlíð in Akureyri

Bjarmahlíð is a center for people who have experienced abuse. There you get all the support and counseling you need in one place. All assistance is on your terms.

Heimilisfriður

Heimilisfriður offers therapy for people who have abused someone in a close relationship.