People commit violence for many different reasons. The repercussions are serious. You can get help to change your behaviour.
Disagreements or quarrels are often the precursors to violence. Life is full of unexpected events and overwhelming tasks that can cause arguments, that is something that we can not control. We can however control how we react when disagreements arise.
If we feel that a disagreement is making us agitated, a good first step is to breathe deeply and count to 10 before we react.
When we are very agitated we can become aggressive, and want to attack the person that we associate with our feelings. Aggression is a defence mechanism. It is common for it to emerge when people become desperate and want to take control of the situation. There can be many strong emotions behind it. By gaining control of our aggression we gain control of our violent behaviour.
Here are important steps for gaining control of aggression:
When aggression flares up many things happen in the body: muscles tense, blood pressure rises and pulse quickens. All of our reactions intensify. Most importantly, our ability to think and understand decreases and all of our attention is directed at the thing, or person, that we believe has caused us to feel bad.
When we feel like aggression is taking over, we have the chance to realise what is happening and step back. We can sit down, lower our voices, and take a deep breath. We can also decide to leave the situation. Aggression is like fuel on the fire, it evokes the same reaction in others and makes a bad situation worse. This is why it is important to stop it. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of practice.
Learning to recognise the signs and change how we react does not happen automatically or overnight. Sometimes we will not succeed. When the storm has calmed, it can be easiest to pretend that nothing happened, but in doing so we maintain the cycle of violence. It takes courage to admit what we have done and face the consequences. We have to take responsibility in order to break the cycle.
Violence is a learned behaviour. Some learn it through their upbringing, others from their environment, culture, or due to systemic power imbalances in society. External influences such as alcohol, drugs, and stress can incite violence but they are never the cause. Each and every individual can always decide whether or not to commit violence.
Possible motives of violence
Though it may be possible to find a motive for violence it is never justifiable and is always the fault of the person who commits it.
It can be difficult to unlearn this behaviour and change one’s perspective. In order to do so, it is necessary to have the will to change and then to take responsibility for one’s behaviour. It can be good to get support from a psychologist or Heimilisfriður, which specialises in treatment for those who commit violence in intimate relationships.
Heimilisfriður offers treatment to perpetrators of domestic violence of all genders. The only thing required is the desire to change one’s violent behaviour and address one’s issues. Heimilisfriður offers treatment for all forms of violence, such as emotional, physical, and sexual. The treatment is based on individual counselling, couples counselling is also offered if applicable.
Get help and change your life and your loved ones.
Tómas is not a real person but his narrative is built on interviews with those who have committed violence in intimate relationships. Those who commit violence can change by seeking help.
If you commit violence in a relationship it can end with the police being called. Physical assault, sexual assault, threats, property damage, violations of child welfare law, and fraud all fall under the police definition of domestic violence. It does not matter where the violence takes place, but rather how the perpetrator and the victim are connected. This is why domestic violence is also called intimate partner violence.
The police make a visit and call a detective to the scene who continues the investigation. If you or your partner do not understand Icelandic an interpreter is brought in.
The police will either order you to leave the scene or arrest you. Injuries and property damage at the scene are photographed if applicable. The victim and witnesses are interviewed. The police can continue to investigate the incident or request that a restraining order is placed on you even if the victim withdraws charges or does not want to assist with the investigation.
You have the right to a defence lawyer who can be present during questioning by police. If a restraining order was filed or expulsion from the home was ordered you will be informed of what that entails. In some cases, a written declaration is made where you agree to the same rules of a restraining order or expulsion. The declaration does not have legal consequences but if you break the rules, a restraining order or expulsion can be filed against you.
You can expect the police to call you and encourage you to seek support through programs such as Heimilisfriður or Taktu skrefið. If you want to seek help you are eligible to receive financial support.
If necessary, the social services will visit, accompanied by the police, to check home conditions and the state of the people in the home. The victim is interviewed and examined for new injuries. If you still live in the home, you will also be interviewed. If you received a restraining order or were evicted, authorities will investigate whether it was respected.
If there are children in the home, the child protection services will be involved in the case to ensure the children’s safety and provide them with support. Child protection is responsible for investigating the environment and wellbeing of children in domestic violence case, that is partly done by talking to all family members. Child protection services will summon you to an interview where the domestic violence and state of the family will be reviewed in order to determine the appropriate response and support.
Most common support measures are:
When the police investigate a case it can conclude in two ways:
1. The case is dismissed
The police can stop an investigation if there is no basis to continue it. If the police conclude the investigation and forward the case the accuser can drop the case if they consider the evidence insufficient or the case unlikely to result in a conviction.
2. Charge
If your case is considered likely to lead to a conviction then a formal charge is issued. Then you are required to appear before the district court and stand trial. After the court procedure, a sentence is issued. That can be an acquittal or a conviction. A conviction for domestic violence can be a suspended sentence or a prison sentence and compensation.
Sex must be built on respect and good communication where both parties’ desires are respected. Respecting the boundaries of others is fundamental in healthy relations.
Having sex with another person without consent is rape. Nothing justifies rape, the rapist alone is responsible for his actions
